Flip Flop...Stop...?

In the early part of my career I was called a 'flip flopper', 'job jumper', fickle and utterly lacking in focus and commitment. All this because I moved from job to job every couple of years.

Now, anyone in PR and Communications will tell you, that this is very typical in our industry. It is a high adrenaline game with many disciplines to focus on. To do well you need to thrive on challenge and keep raising the bar on your own success. These are the same qualities that make you 'flighty' to some.

This industry trend has evolved into more of a generational trend and has become an expected outcome for an employee relatively new in the market. After all, it's about the journey not the destination, right?

I have come to learn far too many people underestimate the value of the destination. After all, what's the point in getting somewhere if you can't appreciate it when you get there?

The question then, I suppose, is how do you know when you have reached your destination?

I wrestle with this now as I am at a junction of my career where I can take it to the next level. In a previous post I wrote about my climb up the corporate ladder and some angst around being promoted to managing a team.

To be honest, I had almost given up on moving up in my current company given the economic climate and the fact that I had this monkey on my back called FSH. I was learning to make the most out of the steady nature of my job and try to use the time, and lack of stress, to pursue other life ambitions.

Now here I am in this new role which was like being thrown back in a cold pool after lazing around on the beach. Don't get me wrong, my instincts kicked in and I threw myself right in - looking for the quick wins and planning a legacy. I really enjoy breaking new ground and most of all, I really enjoy leading a team. Motivating them, nurturing their skills and watching them succeed. I think I hit that point in my career where helping others achieve their goals has become one of mine.

But is 40 too soon for that? Even for an over achiever like me? Or is 40 just the right number when you have a disability and are not sure how much longer you can keep working? When is the right time to stop flip flopping for a new line on the resume?

So all this brings me to my dilemma. Of course it is FSH related. Way too many of my dilemmas are. Yes, I need to work on that... but for now, here it is.

Several new speaking requests have emerged after my last speaking engagement. I feel like I barely made out of that one alive. Can't I just claim victory on that and move on to something else? Apparently not, as speaking and being the expert in something is 'the next thing' to do to increase your profile.

I spoke to my brother about it. He is a gifted and confident speaker (and athlete) and foolishly thinks people can do anything they put their minds to. What the hell is wrong with him? I once foolishly thought the same thing. But a person who can't walk, just can't walk. Not at that moment, anyway. You can kill yourself trying to swim upstream, or get to where you are going by navigating the natural current. Sure, you might get stronger the other way, but you won't have any energy left when you get there.

So he tried to give me a kick in the butt (we all need that some days) and motivate me by telling me that it was the best thing for my career and I was going to get bored of this job soon enough, who not set myself up for a new challenge.

Like my life isn't challenging enough.

He means well and perhaps if I had heard the 'you can do it!' cheer in the formidable years where FSH stripped me of my confidence and self worth, maybe I would see this as an easier road to navigate. But, right now, fear grips me. Changing jobs again? What was once sport for me, is now paralyzing. I am scared to move for fear that FSH will swing another blow at me before I am eligible for disability.

For my American friends who often talk about the horrors of navigating through medicare and the US health insurance providers, we are much more fortunate in Canada, IF we outlast the waiting period making us eligible for Long Term Disability. It's usually only a couple of years. While that seemed like no problem when my condition was in the early stages, but it's staring me in the face now.

So now I need to decide what to do. Take a deep breath, gather my strength and continue the journey (whether for my next job or just mastering my presentation skills for the sake of conquering a fear and breaking boundaries) or do I just enjoy the destination?

Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose!

Remember that game you played in pre-school? When one kid walked around a circle of kids, tapping each one on the head saying, "Duck, Duck, Duck," until one unlucky kid who got tapped with a "GOOSE!"

The new "Goose" had to chase the old "Goose" around the circle and try and tag them before they sat in the empty spot in the circle.

All the kids hoped beyond hope they wouldn't get stuck being the "Goose".

That game where the goose is chosen somewhat at random reminds me how someone with an illness feels and asks, "Why me?"

I know there are many spiritual reasons people use to explain life's randomness. I have heard:

"God only gives you what he knows you can handle."

"Suffering is God's way of bringing you closer to him."

"You must know the bad before you understand the good."

The list goes on. Those who believe in past lives would say any hurt or difficulty you face in this life is retribution for an error from a past life. Some say all aspects of life are pre-determined and fit in with God's bigger plan.

For someone with genetic disease, passed on through the generations, it's a question you ask often when you are affected and others in your family are not. Why me? What happened to make me get this faulty gene but miss it in my cousins or sibling.

For me, it's part of what makes it hard for my family to understand FSHD since I am the only one in the family who has it.

I have a brother. My big brother who I secretly adore and look up to. But on the outside, we are two stars of your favourite comedy show, making fun of each other whenever possible.

He is strong, successful, humble, a natural athlete and leader and is always the person in the room you want to know. And I was the geeky, pesky younger sister who couldn't do anything right.

Don't misunderstand, I have never once asked, "Why not him?" That would be unbearable for me. I suppose I was the right choice, if I can make some good come out of it. But it took a long time to get t this point where I accept it and simply try to make the best of it.

I just didn't understand what I had done wrong. I must have done something wrong in this life, in another life. I must have hurt someone or put them through equal pain to suffer with this disease. "Why me?" became "What did I do to deserve this?"

I'm not sure there is ever a good answer you can give to comfort someone who is suffering through an illness or difficult time.

For me, I believe there is a reason it was me and all reasons will be revealed in time. In the meantime, I try not to be too hard on myself.