The Blanket - Part One

As the new year rings in, I am giddy to spend it not working. Well, not working at my job anyway. Like many people, I chose to take a couple days from my week off to organize my house which seems to attract clutter like a high powered magnet.

Not as easy as it sounds when you can't bend down without the risk of falling over, or get up without help. But I was determined. Not only to organize all the 'good deals' I have picked up in anticipation of 'something' that might come up, but to finally be able to see the floor of my den. In the midst of deciding if I should keep the collection of audio cassettes circa 1980 and cheetah print candles, I came across a soft, delicately woven baby blanket.

I knew it was there. I was hoping not to see it until the end of this cleaning frenzy, hoping to be too tired to think about the blanket and the story behind it.

It was given to me around five years ago by a dear friend of mine. With four grandchildren of her own who brought her copious amounts of joy, she created this loving blanket upon hearing of my decision to adopt a little girl.

For someone with FSH, there are a few topics that are common points of anxiety for both men and women, having children is one of them. Having them or not, testing them or not, telling them or not. It took several years of anxiety, analysis and emotional pinball for me and those around me and it was the reason for the end of several relationships.

My own feelings evolved from, "I am going to leave this to God's will" to "I can't put a child through this" to "I can't put myself through this" and "I can't keep my child safe".

I went from the idea of a natural pregnancy, to an IVF pregnancy with PGD testing, to surrogacy - foreign and domestic, to adoption - foreign and domestic and finally to not being a mother at all.

This will be by far the hardest post I will write since it is has been the hardest part of my journey.