Camouflage on the Red Carpet

Yes, this is going to be one of those "first world problems" type posts. Who gets freaked out about going to a red carpet event with celebrities, important locals (or influencers as we in PR call them) and generally swishy people?

Well, when you walk with your eyes to the ground to make sure you don't trip over something as complicated as your own feet, it's a bit of an anxious time.

I thought my cold could get me out of it. Alas, I must be there to ensure I meet those swishy people and make an impression. Just what kind of an impression remains to be seen.

I am the Queen of Camouflage so this shouldn't be so hard. But turning 40 came with the gift of a body shift and I still am stupidly optimistic that I can squeeze into my old clothes. Never mind that I have been handing my clothes to my friend's 12-year old and they fit her.

Oh the ironies on so many levels. You never realize how slim you were until you aren't anymore. I swear if I could do it again, I would never complain about being fat if I could go back to my old size.

Regardless, I refuse to buy anything new so I must now go through my wardrobe looking for something that is new enough to pass off as elegant, or old enough to pass off as trendy. Somewhere in this mess of dresses is the classic little black dress.

Classic because it skirts the knee so you can't see the muscle wasting at my thighs, loose enough so you can't see my distended belly (caused by lordosis but looks like I swallowed a bowling ball), with a neck wide enough that I can put it over my head with the limitations of my shoulders post surgery, no buttons or zippers at the back which I can't reach. And, it's kind of cute.

Now the shoes. Damn, can't get around that. Only have open-toe slingbacks I bought from India 10 years ago which are falling apart, but have the right heel. Never mind it is January in Canada. Can't bend over enough to paint my toenails though. But I guess we'll just have to deal with that. Hopefully people will be more interested in who is walking the red carpet, and with whom, as opposed to my chewed up toes.

Such a disgrace.. ahem.

Now, I just have to figure out how to avoid stairs, stages, hills, inclines, uneven pavement, dancing, running, bending, low cars, low chairs, having to hold more than one thing in my hands, carrying anything heavy, getting pushed over in the crowds of hundreds, getting caught in the wrong light so my FSH facial flaws show and of course falling since I won't be able to get up.

Better wear underwear... just in case. :)