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I had planned to spend the first day calibrating myself. Doing the walk around Disney and determining what, if anything, I would need to assist me. The other aunt decided that we should just rent the scooter provided at Disney. The truth was, everyone rented those scooters. Disney is huge! So what was the big deal?
I didn't think the experience would be as jarring for me as it was. I have always tried to prepare for mobility assistance as an inevitability to avoid such a moment. But I guess you just never know how you are going to react when actually in the moment. The scooter was easy enough to handle and thankfully my nephew loved riding around in it. But, I caught my reflection in the window and just couldn't believe it. What was I doing on this contraption? I shouldn't be using this, should I? The reality was, I would have struggled walking the whole park on my own. Even using the stroller to keep me balanced, it would have been tough. Why did I want to struggle if I didn't have to?
I thought it would give me freedom. But for the first little while, it made me feel trapped. Like I was trapped in a body and in a life that wasn't right. I thought I was over all that. But I guess it is a reminder that FSH comes in phases and with every phase, you have to go through another emotional and physical adjustment.
There were so many places I couldn't get into. So many things I had to imagine instead of experiencing. And the worst part of all, the new reality that not only was walking a problem, but I discovered a whole new set of limitations: no rides that were too low or too high, no standing in line because my nephew needed to be carried which I couldn't do, no swimming with him since he needed to be held, no giving him a bath or brushing his teeth because I couldn't kneel and the worst? No big bear hugs from my nephew while I was standing because I would fall over.... which I did.
So was that it? Was that going to be my memory of The Big Dream?
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