The Fire Drill

At some point in the life of an FSHer will come the inevitable moment when the cat jumps out of the bag. The quiet and mysterious condition will slowly start to make itself known and the journey takes a sharp turn.

The closer the people are, the quicker the transition comes. But often, it is when those not as close to you find out that it becomes much more difficult.

For me, a surprise fire drill at work seems to be the game changer.

It happened a couple of days ago around 10 am. I used to get a heads up from the Emergency Operations Coordinator who would quietly come to my cubicle and suggest I go for coffee. His wife was one of my colleagues and the six people in my department knew about my "secret". They retired last year and the HR Manager and Operations Manager, who also knew about my condition for safety reasons, forgot. Guess that's the thing with FSH, it doesn't show until the condition has progressed significantly and then it seems to catch people off guard. But as the person feeling each strain, each burn of the muscle as it deteriorates, it feels like you are slipping off a mountain and that point when others find out is when you land on your butt.

The shrieking sound of the bell meant I needed to walk down the three flights of stairs to the plaza. Three long flights on concrete steps with people rushing behind me, and me side-stepping down the stairs with my legs starting to feel like jello. The president of the company walked behind me and asked what was wrong with my leg. I brought out my usual humour all of us seem to have and made some comment about my job being hazardous to my health. He laughed, but you could see the concern in his eyes. He is a lovely man and I am sure would only be empathetic to the situation. But we are in the midst of budget cuts and restructuring and who wants to put their hand up and say, "hey over here, I am a liability to your bottom line."

My co-workers flanked me as they always do, such lovely people. But I guess this is going to have to come out to the masses sooner rather than later. Now I am on the radar and questions are being asked, "What's wrong with her?" Being in a high profile position doesn't help. Although I am fortunate to work with people who are very understanding and compassionate, it's my clients I worry about. How do you stand up with conviction and argue a point when you struggle to stand up?

The president's on vacation now, so I have a few weeks to gather my wits and find a clever way to reveal the truth without all the scary words that go along with this explanation. Wouldn't you know it, just as my star is on the rise here, a sobering dose of reality hits me. But, I am not ready to fall just yet...